the choices we make and the ones we don't
by A.X.S.Y
Summary: Shion tells Nezumi about a book he read, The Five Stages of Grief. Nezumi enters stage one when he covers Shion's body with his jacket on the correctional facility floor. Updated: Now includes Shion's version.
1. Nezumi

Rikiga throws Nezumi over his shoulder "Don't die here Eve, Shion is already gone." Nezumi can't stay conscious enough to fight back but he doesn't want to leave.

 _Put me down. I can't leave Shion. Let me sing for him... Shion. Shion. Sh-_

Inukashi is running next to them, crying as quietly as possible. It wasn't supposed to end like this.

The correctional facility collapses, the walls between No.6 and westblock crumble just like Shion's third option, but Shion doesn't know because he is buried underneath the rubble. _That's fine._ Nezumi thinks it was a worthy cause if any existed, Shion had to be sacrificed for his vision to come true, fair enough. It's how the world works. Who knows if Shion is even dead, crazier things have happened, _it's fine_. He manages bed rest for two whole days before it becomes suffocating. Staring at the ceiling, Nezumi never noticed how cold it gets at night. _Living people are so warm._ There are strands of shiny white hair left on the pillow.

When it turns out the manager didn't die in the manhunt, Nezumi goes to work at the theatre. For a few hours, Nezumi gets to become someone else and he feels relieved. With the fall of No. 6, chaos floods westblock and the audience becomes more colourful than ever. Eve performs as many shows as the manager wants under one condition, Nezumi will not sing. Sometimes Eve sees a tuft of white hair in the audience, just at the corner of his eye. But the stage lights are too blinding, his eyes can never adjust quick enough to catch the culprit.

 _Is Shion going to surprise me after the show with his air headed smile? "Ha, I got you good huh? Don't underestimate me, I can take care of myself."_ After the show, Nezumi sometimes receive flowers and trinkets, but that flash of white hair never materializes into anything more than a hallucination.

Nezumi still goes to the market, still goes to Inukashi for miscellaneous jobs, and hell, even finds Rikiga to be useful if there's enough money on the line. Life continues like clockwork, Nezumi doesn't feel anything about anything. He thinks maybe the emotional part of him disintegrated with the city, and he is finally free from those messy feelings that caused him so much inner turmoil. Nezumi wonders if he has reached a state of nirvana, but the catch 22 remains. There is no more hatred and bitterness the same way there is no happiness or pride. There is nothing at all.

Every time Nezumi meets with his two associates, and they look increasingly unsettled. Rikiga and Inukashi look at each other with side eyed wariness, an unspoken name, like a thick, damp fog rests on the three of them, Nezumi can't find it in him to care. It wasn't hard to see how Shion exposed the hidden humanity that Nezumi tried so hard to abandon, even if only a glimpse. _You're only human. You can only do so much_. Inukashi warned Nezumi the night Shion kisses him goodbye.

Nearly a month passes and it's finally Inukashi who breaches the subject.

"Nezumi, this is going to sound uh..." This is unknown territory for them. "About Shion..."

"Shion is dead, what about him."

Inukashi's eyes widen and he scrunches his nose before tearing straight into Nezumi's invisible, bleeding wound. There was no need for pretense between a dog and a rat. "You reek of grief. It'll only go away after you let it take its course."

"Sincerest apologies, your highness. I promise to take a shower next time if you agree to do the same." Nezumi sneers.

"Nezumi I'm serious. You're in den-"

"Shion's dead, I get it. What do you want? A waterworks show?" Nezumi bites out his words, eyes glinting.

"Okay." Inukashi winces. "Rikiga and I are planning to hold a little memorial if you..."

"Waste of time." Nezumi turns his back and begins to walk away. _What if he's still alive?_

Inukashi says nothing.

Nezumi goes to the market place and buys cherry pie in case today was the day Shion was coming back to surprise him. He does this every time an elusive head of white hair escapes his scrutiny. Sometimes at the theatre, sometimes in the market, sometimes even in the underground room they used to live. Later that night, when Shion does not pop out from behind a bookshelf, Nezumi tries to eat the cherry pie only to realize the vendor had swindled him with a convincing illusion. It looks like cherry pie. It feels like cherry pie. It tastes like dust.

Nezumi looks for _The Illiad_ and finds that it's been put back on the shelf, in the _Classics/Mythology_ section arranged in alphabetical order. He is annoyed. Shion just had to clean it up and now Nezumi can't find where anything is and has to follow a shitty library system just to find that stupid book that would've been strewn on the floor next to their bed. _His bed._

Later, Cravat finds a stray button that had fallen off Shions' cardigan and holds it in his front paws, squeaking to Nezumi. Now he's _pissed._ Stupid Shion never sewed that button back on his sweater even though it's a lot warmer without a gaping hole down the center. Stupid Shion never listened when Nezumi tried to teach him the basic tactics of survival. Why does he always have to go out and put himself in life threatening danger all the time. Why can't he have some sense of self preservation? No. 6 citizens are all like that, so spoiled and ignorant in the face of danger. After 8 whole months and Shion improved only marginally in avoiding dangerous situations, it's like he was almost drawn to trouble. Why is he like that? Always a breath away from death, doesn't he know what that does to Nezumi?

Nezumi is furious at Shion but more so with himself for giving in to such idealistic thinking. They shouldn't have gone to the facility, _Safu was already dead by the time we got there anyways_. Nezumi is also not too happy with Safu. _Why'd she have to get captured of all people, being attached to someone is so restraining for this exact reason._ Always trying to care for someone else's well being as if keeping yourself safe wasn't already enough work, especially with someone like Shion. _If she didn't get caught Shion would still be alive today._

The image of Shion, with his hand outstretched and a bloody rose blooming out from his shirt, falling backwards down the garbage chute. _Down, down, down..._

Shion's heart stopped before they hit the ground. Nezumi didn't get to say goodbye, he didn't get to say anything. ( _"Don't you ever give me a goodbye kiss again!"_ )

 _I should have gone down with the correctional facility but Rikiga and Inukashi carried me out. Why did they do that? They had no right to do that. I should have died next to Shion. But instead I'm left here all alone._ He remembers the conversation that happens last spring, Shion standing there with Hamlet on his shoulder.

 _Whats summer here like?_

 _I want to spend the summer here._

 _We'll come back to this room, together._

 _Alive? Nezumi asks._

 _Alive. Shion answers._

Liar. LIAR. Making promises he could not keep, Nezumi would never break his words. ( _What about your promise to Karan?_ )

The next time he meets with Inukashi and Rikiga, Nezumi starts off cool but there is a white hot burn clawing inside his chest. The ice he wears melts and his sharp tongue is quick to dole out cutting remarks upon the slightest provocation. _It was all their fault, they think too much of themselves, to act as if they know what's better for me than myself._ **I should have died with Shion!** He yells. Rikiga looks resigned, and Inukashi, almost horrified.

 _I should have died with him. I wanted to._ (Do I still?)

The survivors are the one who win. _SO WHY DID YOU LOSE SHION?_

 _Why?_ There will never be a good enough answer. Nezumi hates Shion for chaining him down in a way he can't bring himself to escape from. They should have never met. Nezumi would just find somewhere else to hide in the next life, he would have died in that storm and maybe that was for the best. But instead, Shion saved him in more ways than one, and Nezumi is left without answers. _WHY?_ Nezumi can't understand why. Anger boils inside him because this is _all wrong._

Was there a right way to do this? Maybe if Nezumi had gone into the chute first and Shion would climb in after him. With his back to the shooter and a super fibre cloak, that bullet would've missed his heart. Maybe if they had just walked a little faster, that guard would've passed by only after they had both escaped down the chute.

What if they hadn't spent so long gawking at those corpses on the conveyor belt, then maybe Rashi wouldn't have caught them mid way and Nezumi wouldn't have been injured. What if Shion didn't need to shoot someone in order to protect Nezumi and dirty his hands the way he did. What if Safu was alive and the three of them managed to escape and destroy the correctional facility. What if everything just went according to plan? Or if Elyrius had protected them the entire time and everything that went wrong was made right by divine intervention.

Maybe Nezumi should have just taken care of it himself. Shion had a good memory but a robotic mouse can store enough information for Nezumi to make the trip alone. It would have been much easier for him to get around without having Shion to worry about. Then maybe he wouldn't even get into all those shoot outs or take a detour to find Rou. Even if Nezumi didn't manage to make it back, at least Shion would still be alive. Probably in this room, organizing books and worrying about Nezumi. _Shion should be in my place,_ Nezumi thinks bitterly. _He can deal with the torture of being the one to survive._

 _What if, what if, what if._ These words eat at him, Nezumi cannot help but to think of all the things that could've been done differently. _If I had a time machine... Shion would still be alive if only..._

This must be revenge, Nezumi thinks. Some form of higher power made aware of his dubious morals has been looking for a way to to settle the score. Nezumi couldn't think of anything more terrifying than losing Shion. Not even all the pain and cruelty in his past could induce such a fight or flight response in him, not the way Shion did when he tried to run off to the Correctional Facility alone. He was running straight to his death and Nezumi will be damned if he let Shion do it alone.

Nezumi can't understand why Shion dies when he gets to live. The world needed more Shions and less Nezumis.

 _Hey higher power, what if I promise to give bread to wide eyed children like Shion did? What if I look for the good in strangers who had none visible? If Shion lives through my actions, can I repent? Will you give him back to me?_

If Shion comes back Nezumi promises himself he would drop the grudge against No. 6 for good. Or even given the chance to go back and never telling Shion about Safu in the first place. Yeah it'd be selfish, but that's what people are. Nezumi would stand by his choice if he got to make it again. If he knew the outcome. _If the correctional facility must stand in exchange for you to be back by my side, I would let it._

Hindsight is 20/20 and Nezumi couldn't help but look.

Nezumi cries after the goodbye kiss, tears rolling down his face before he could register what was happening. Nezumi cries after Shion kills another human being, it's embarrassing but he can't stop even though he tries. Nezumi does not cry when he touches Shions face to find that it's gone cold, like turning on a tap with the water shut off. If the pipes had been frozen then, that is now no longer the case, the dam bursts. Nezumi hates the taste of tears in his mouth but lately he has been drinking oceans because it tastes like the over salted soup Shion makes. Because it is punishment, _because Shion is gone and not coming back._ Nezumi has nothing left but memories. _The gift of a memory, that's what Shion would say._

These are not gifts, they are cinder blocks around his ankles when Nezumi was already drowning. The moments won't stop playing in his head, the ones he so desperately wants to throw away. But it's embedded into his skin like splinters. Every point of contact hurts, and when it doesn't, Nezumi can feel it. Irritated, begging to be picked at but never to be picked out.

The little underground room Nezumi has spent years living alone in is now suddenly too empty. He was a wanderer and never knew a place to be home, why should this place be different. But then Shion came and Nezumi says to Inukashi that he's _going home_ without realizing the connotations. Inukashi hears it loud and clear.

The underground room was not home, _Shion was. How does it feel to tame a wanderer only to disappear and leave him in the desolate cold?_

Nezumi stops going to work so he can stare at the coffee table from _his_ bed. Most of his effort spent on ignoring the endless _hurt_ flowing out his tear ducts _. Maybe if I cry until I'm drained dry then it will finally stop._ Nezumi stops eating and drinking and sleeping in the meanwhile. He is determined to starve this sadness to death, if that means taking the vessel along then that's just collateral damage.

 _Would you forget it all if you could?_ Shion asks him in a deprivation induced hallucination. They're in bed, floating in the ocean. Water laps at the sides of their mattress, Shion is wearing a blood stained shirt, the dream will end when they are consumed by the waves.

 _No,_ Nezumi says even though he wants to lie and say yes. _You know the final stage is acceptance_ , Shion says with a smile. His hair glitters in the sunlight, sometimes, if Nezumi squints, Shions' hair is every colour all at once. _Tell me the truth, Nezumi._

He feels as if they are floating away. Nezumi is too exhausted to be anything other than honest. _You are my humanity._

The water swells and pulls them under. Nezumi wakes up reaching out for Shion.

He finds no peace in this truth. Nezumi leaves west block to find a new place knowing nowhere will ever be home (again). He wears his loneliness around him like armour, trying to conceal the pain that still bleed out his pores. He travels for years and always keeps an eye out for a boy with snow white hair. Nezumi looks for answers and finds only threads. Shion appears to him in dreams, in a trick of the light when Nezumi stands in a crowded marketplace, in Cravat and Hamlet and Tsukyio. In hurricane storms and untouched snow.

 _We'll meet again, Shion. That's a promise._

Nezumi remains alone.

* * *

 _I will always open the balcony door for you. No matter how many times I go back, meeting you made me into who I am. Shion tells him with determination in his eyes and Nezumi can't help but wonder why._ Do you really believe that? _Meeting me killed you, Shion._

 _Well, that's okay, isn't it? I would have been a shell of a person, going through the motions, working for a faceless authority until I was deemed worthless and thrown away. But instead I got to truly live as myself, you awakened me, and I got to live by your side. For that, my answer will never change. I'm glad I met you._

Nezumi remembers Shion's smile. The gift of a memory.


	2. Shion

Summary: No matter how painful the truth proves to be, Shion vows to never use ignorance as anaesthetic. His resolve wavers when someone pries his hand out of Nezumi's lifeless fingers.

* * *

When they tumble out of the garbage chute, Shion's arms are wrapped around Nezumi in a protective embrace. By the time Rikiga and Inukashi hauls the both of them out the Correctional Facility, Shion reaches out for Nezumi's hand to find that it's gone cold.

 _Temperature._ The first of the vital signs was absent. _Okay, not the most accurate anyways, there are at least three more._

Shion tries all the ones he could remember from the textbooks.

Respiratory Rate? _No._

Pulse? _No._

Blood pressure? _No pulse, remember?_

But that checklist is too short so Shion starts grasping at straws.

He lifts Nezumi's eyelids to check for a pupillary light reflex and doesn't recognize the cloudy grey eyes that stare back. _The colour is all wrong._

 _There's no time to dwell on that,_ he reminds himself. Shion's mind is still stuck in that medical room, and saving Nezumi means not letting his feelings distract from the facts. All he needs to figure out right now is what to do next.

Shion looks for signs of life only to find signs of death.

 _Respiratory arrest._

 _Cardiac arrest._

 _Pallor mortis._

 _Algor mortis._

Livor mortis is just starting now but Shion won't be able to check for another two hours.

 _Death happens in four stages._

The cold weather meant rigor mortis won't start for at least another four hours after that.

 _Focus Shion, what does this mean?_

The only thing to be concluded from the data was: Nezumi is dead.

 _But that can't be right, livor mortis is only stage three. There's still time. Right? RIGHT?_

What a strange thought. Not 20 minutes ago, the four of them escape. Not 20 minutes ago, Shion could feel the shallow and uneven rise and fall of Nezumi's chest against his. _Nezumi was still here._ Now, he is only with Nezumi's body.

A body is not Nezumi, only a part of him. _So where did Nezumi go? Did they leave him back there in the facility?_ Shion is delusional from exhaustion and compounded injuries but he's ready to go back to find the rest of Nezumi right this second.

In the meanwhile, no one is going to take the body away. Someone must guard it while Shion retraces their steps. _Nezumi is back there, he has to be._

Inukashi and Rikiga are talking in the background but Shion can't really hear them. Then Rikiga says "... _bury him somewhere better..."_ and Shion is confused.

 _Bury?_ _Bury who?_

 _Decomposition happens up to eight times faster in free flowing air._

Soil will break apart the corpse into much simpler compounds and return it to the earth. A complex structure of oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, calcium, phosphorus, and trace elements he can't be bothered to recall.

 _A corpse, that's all there is._

Nezumi is so much more than that and Shion has got to find him. He's going to find Nezumi and put him back into this body so they can't bury it, _not yet._

Rikiga loops an arm around Shion's torso and starts pulling him away. Shion still has his hand wrapped around Nezumi's fingers.

 _They're so cold._

When Shion wakes up, he doesn't remember. _Where am I? What happened?_ His first instinct is to look for Nezumi.

 _Find your own answers, don't always expect them to be handed to you._ Nezumi's voice scolds him.

 _Oh yeah,_ Shion finds the first piece of this puzzle _._ Rikiga and Inukashi carried him back to west block after he passed out. But that still doesn't answer why he is here alone at Inukashi's hotel. Shion is already pushing himself out of bed when Inukashi comes in. _He looks so worn out._

 _Maybe he knows where Nezumi is, he must, I mean after we escaped through the garbage chute and I was holding Nezumi's hand and we were outside and something..._ there's a hole in his memory. He sifts through fragments in search of the missing piece.

 _What happened?_

Shion can feel a part of his mind deliberately repressing something and it's annoying. He concentrates on clearing away the brain fog, the moment feels too short and too long, before he is sledgehammered with the ( _ugly, hideous, revolting_ ) truth.

 _Nezumi is dead._

The taste of those words make his insides turn. He throws up water and stomach bile immediately afterwards _._

Karan is reunited with Shion, but it's not really Shion and she can see it past the white hair and the red scar coiled around his body. Still, he is her son and he is alive so she counts her blessings.

Later that evening, they sit side by side in the living room. Shion doesn't seem inclined toward conversation, and Karan is apprehensive to coax him for more.

 _Tell me about Westblock. Why did they try to take you away? Did you have something to do with the downfall of the city? Who is Nezumi? Is he the boy you took in that night in Chronos? How did he rescue you from the claws of no. 6 and deliver you back into my arms? What is he like and where is he now?_

Karan is brimming with questions but the listless smile Shion gives her is all the answer she needs.

"Mom, do me a favour." Shion says quietly when the silence stretches too thin. "Please don't ask." His words drip with heartbreak, she has nothing to offer but a tight hug.

Shion thinks his mom has a right to know, but he doesn't want to answer any questions right now, or ever. Shion fears that if he says it out loud, then it becomes true. But if he could just keep it in his heart for long enough, Nezumi will forever stay in that elusive gap between sleep and wake.

 _I keep forgetting that you died._ Shion thinks to himself in the morning. This will happen for years, but he doesn't know that yet.

This time it takes about 35 seconds, over half a minute of bliss before he is skinned alive. He wonders how to avoid this, _what a luxury that would be_.

Shion sleeps too much and then none at all.

Maybe I need closure, Shion thinks he read that in a book somewhere. He seeks closure by asking Inukashi, where is Nezumi even though he means Nezumi's body.

Inukashi hesitates with a painful twist of his mouth. When Nezumi died, he took a part of Shion with him. Like a chunk of flesh torn from his side, it's jarring and gruesome but Shion won't let anyone near it. He keeps the pain as a souvenir, it's from Nezumi and it's Shion's alone.

They walk there silently, Shion has his jaw set and head held high. He threads himself together with a particular string of words.

 _If you're going to look then do it, but don't close your eyes!_ Nezumi screams at him at the correctional facility. A literal mountain of people in various stages of death and Shion stared it down.

Ten steps away there's a small mound with a make shift headstone. Shion could not move his legs forward to save his life. He just couldn't do it.

There is a repulsive force field with a ten step radius and Shion will be crushed to smithereens trying to breach it.

Shion changes his mind and breaks down where he stands. _I don't want to look anymore Nezumi. Let me stay ignorant this one time, you can call me all the names you want but I don't want to exist in a world without you. I can't do it. I'm not strong enough. Please just come back to me. I swear I'll never let you leave again._

That night, his dreams punish him for his cowardice. They're outside the elevators, Shion relives the last real conversation they have. It consists of Shion spewing the ugliest accusations he can muster ( _you only care about yourself!_ ), and Nezumi jumping infront of a bullet for him in response.

Shion's words fall to the floor as rusted nails and he hammers them into the soles of his feet. Shion presses down with every step and feels the weight of what he can't ever take back.

He doesn't even get a chance to apologize.

The next morning, it takes 29 seconds.

Since that didn't work, Shion just doesn't sleep. He doesn't need rest and if he has to relive that process _one more fucking time,_ Shion is going to snap.

It works, for a while. Then Shion snaps anyways.

It starts when Inukashi makes an half joking remark about a rat not holding up his end of the bargain. Apparently Nezumi promised to sing for Inukashi should he ever die.

 _Nezumi always keeps his promise._

Shion wishes he didn't know this, he doesn't trust himself with the implications.

In his sleep, Shion sees a vivid image of his own hands wrapped around Inukashi's throat, fingers curled into a vice grip. Inukashi is suffocating and clawing at Shion's face, a choked gurgle comes out when Shion tightens his hold. The dream happens more than once.

Shion has nightmares that take place at the correctional facility. ( _Nezumi did warn him.)_

In the basement, Shion dreams of killing people slowly, in painful ways, just to see if Nezumi would come sing them a song.

In the hallways, Shion's victim is the guard that shoots Nezumi through the chest. Shion kills him the slowest, just to revel at the terror on his victims face.

 _Nezumi isn't coming. This one's just for_ _me_ _._

At some point, it almost becomes a fantasy. _I'll get my hands dirty. I'll throw away my moral high ground. I'll do whatever it takes to have you back, just let me prove it._

Shion wonders if it's worth trying even though he knows it isn't. _But maybe..._

 _So this is what I've become,_ Shion thinks to himself. He is more ashamed than surprised.

 _Hey Nezumi? Remember in the correctional facility you said that if I ever went mad you'd kiss me before slitting my throat? I think it's time you kept good on your word._

Shion's favourite dreams are the ones where Nezumi shows up and does exactly that.

Then, since Nezumi doesn't seem keen on following through, Shion decides to speed the process along.

 _Nezumi hates it when I'm reckless._ Shion walks through west block aimlessly, looking for trouble because who's going to stop him? ( _Nezumi please come back_ ) Shion figures he would eventually pick a fight he couldn't win and probably die and then that would be that. A good plan if he ever thought of one.

Unfortunately for him, the residents of west block were weathered enough to recognize someone looking for an excuse to go down swinging. They avoid Shion as a boy too small to be dangerous with a stare too vacant to be anything else.

He finds someone anyways, not the way he expected but someone none the less. She pulls Shion into the alleyway and runs her hands across his chest. "Hey handsome, you looking for a good time?"

 _Little boy, don't let that man corrupt you, that would be a real shame._

The deja vu makes him hesitate for long enough to take a look at her face. A beautiful woman with pale skin and black hair. Her eyes lean towards blue under harsh sunlight, but they'll be grey enough to play pretend in a poorly lit motel.

"I've never seen a man with such pretty hair like yours," The woman cooes and Shion can feel her breath on his ear. _Ha, not a little boy anymore._

She twists a piece of Shion's hair between her fingers, _like Nezumi used to_.

 _You know nothing about books sex or fighting!_ Nezumi tells Shion as if they were an incentive to stay alive. Maybe it was time to cross the remaining one off the list, and then Nezumi would have little to say if Shion died afterwards, right?

She pushes her chest against him, it's not hard or flat but it's warm ( _as living people are_ ) and Shion can feel a heartbeat. _That's enough._

(Or it should be, but it's really, really not.)

When she kisses him, her tongue slides into his mouth. It's a strange sensation and Shion freezes because hes waiting for Nezumi to interrupt. _He's mine._

She feigns a gasp when Shion doesn't reciprocate. "What's wrong honey, you seem so distant."

 _Oh he's far too in love with me to be interested in someone else._ Nezumi retorted last time and Shion had no counterargument ready. This time, Shion is determined to prove Nezumi wrong.

 _See, I'm not!_ Shion tries his best to kiss her back. The kiss means next to nothing. It means she's looking to secure a customer, and for Shion, to prove a point. By the time she pulls him towards her bedroom, Shion decides he's had enough.

She demands payment and Shion offers a shrug.

Nezumi taught him well because he easily out manoeuvres two lackeys wielding metal bats, it's almost disappointing. Shion doesn't see the third man behind him and gets knocked out by a blow to the back of the head. They search Shion to find that he's penniless, one of the men suggests to bring him to their boss.

He wakes up in Rikiga's office. _Oh, awkward._

Rikiga fusses over Shion all the while giving him a lecture. Shion tunes him out for the most part, the lump on the back of his head is throbbing but insignificant. Rikiga says if he was anyone else, Shion would be dead.

 _Well, that was kinda the plan._

Rikiga grabs him by the shoulders. "Shion what were you thinking?!"

"She had grey eyes." Shion says and Rikiga thinks he misheard. Shion repeats himself and Rikiga wishes he didn't.

 _Eve, you bastard._ Rikiga sighs. _Look what you've done._

"Shion, you'll find someone better than that silver tongued rascal." The comment is well intended but poorly thought out. Rikiga regrets his words before they're fully out of his mouth.

" _Don't._ " Shion warns him with a tone that makes Rikiga look for escape routes. In a worst case scenario, Rikiga decides his best bet is jumping out the window, fourth floor and all.

Last time, Nezumi nicks a bottle of sake from Rikiga and shows Shion how to drink.

This time, Shion sees the exact same bottle on Rikigas shelf. He takes it with him, Rikiga doesn't notice but more likely doesn't stop him.

Last time, Nezumi kept saying _too close_ but Shion thought _not close enough_ and the way Nezumi stays exactly where he is says it's mutual just unspoken. _Your words never match your actions. You're a phony._

 _Are you trying to pick a fight?_ Nezumi says all stern and serious.

Shion giggles, they're just short of rubbing noses. This is the first time Shion realizes he wants to kiss Nezumi.

 _No, just the opposite._

 _People drink to forget right?_

This time he realizes wanting to forget is a constant choice, not a one time deal. He resists the first few times, then Shion hears that familiar voice.

 _Careful you don't turn into your old man._

He could ignore it, but doesn't. It's too in character, too sarcastic, and just a touch too affectionate. Shion laughs bitterly to himself. _Guess I'm still good at imitating you._

The amount of self control he has is inversely proportional to amount of alcohol consumed and things are not looking in favour of discipline. He hops on the train of thought with a one way ticket.

Last time, Shion drinks half the bottle and passes out on top of Nezumi.

This time, he downs the entire thing and wishes he had more.

Shion wanders with no destination in mind, the voice continues to taunt him, he gets fed up and starts talking back.

Just outside the city gates, Shion yells at a Nezumi he can't see. _SELFISH you selfish asshole! You leave me for four years without so much a goodbye and I spent the better part of my days gazing out a window, looking for traces of you. Then you find me and save me and change my life only to leave again. Do you not know what that does to me?_ Shion's anger frays at the edges and he is left in tears. _This world means nothing without you in it, I want you back. Come back to me._

Inukashi said Nezumi knew he was walking into his death, and he did it anyways.

 _You're a hypocrite! How many times have you risked your life to protect me? How can you tell me to stay back knowing you're in danger when you won't take your own advice? HOW CAN YOU ASK THAT OF ME?_

 _I want to be your equal._

Shion remembers their fight that morning, the impact of his fist against Nezumi's cheek just before dawn breaks past the horizon. Shion feels cheated out of their deal, Nezumi never stopped protecting him. _That bullet was mine._

Drunk and impulsive, he goes to the underground room in search of...something, _anything_. The entrance is barricaded by rocks, likely a result of the man hunt, so Shion starts digging. He doesn't remember how long its been until suddenly he cant see very well and his hands are leaving dark smudges on everything they touch. Shion can't feel anything so it might as well be cherry jam.

 _Wear gloves or your nails will split,_ Nezumi threw a pair at him when Shion starts to organize the bookshelves.

The memory is nestled in shards of glass like packing peanuts. Shion tears into them and they tear into him right back. Everything is sticky and stained but if _he could just get to those gloves, then maybe..._

One of Inukashi's dogs catches a scent, Inukashi follows the barking to find Shion beating his bloody fists against a boulder in frustration. Inukashi manages to pull him away.

"I can't remember what he smells like anymore."Shion grabs two fistfuls of hair in frustration, streaking his snow white hair with crimson. _I can't lose Nezumi up here too._

Inukashi awkwardly hugs him and knows it's worth very little. He debates on telling Shion, would that be kind or cruel?

Nezumi became as cool as ice and no one could hurt him. Then Shion, with bright eyes and gentle hands, saves Nezumi from his past, from himself.

 _"_ I love him, _"_ Shion slurs but his conviction is sobering. He's half lying on the ground, eyes closed and head lolling. "I love him and I told him and I wish he could believe me. My words are not empty. I love him and that is the truth. No matter how many times my life is flipped on it's head, I will always mean that. _"_

Inukashi decides to tell him, because Shion never uses a past tense. Shion is barely conscious but those words stay with him for the rest of his life.

" _He called you home."_

Last time, Shion woke up with a headache and a Nezumi teasing him for being a lightweight.

This time, Shion wakes up and feels as if he was crumpled into a tight ball, whipped against a wall and left where he landed.

One night, he walks into the hallway and overhears muffled sobbing coming from his mother's room.

 _Who's the selfish one now_ , the voice scolds him but it's a bit off.

Shion realizes he couldn't remember what Nezumi's voice sounded like anymore, the realization grates him raw like sandpaper.

 _Do you regret it yet?_

Shion may be in agony but his answer never changes. _No matter the price of meeting you, I will not regret it._

This isn't the first time and it won't be the last, Shion loses pieces of Nezumi and it doesn't get any less painful. He just learns that it's part of the price.

 _For you, Nezumi. Anything for you._

 _Oh yeah?_ _ **Then live for me.**_

A birthday passes and Shion spends it with his mom, Inukashi and Rikiga. They have dinner and cherry pie. Shion smiles as much as he can, as honestly as he can, because his mom deserves some peace of mind. When the candles come out, Shion makes a wish and doesn't tell anyone, as if the empty seat reserved next to the birthday boy wasn't telling enough.

Later, Shion washes dishes in the kitchen sink. He picks up a spoon a runs his finger along the edges.

 _If this were a knife, you'd already be dead._ Nezumi pressed the dull rounded side to Shion's neck. His 12th birthday live up to it's definition in a way the eleven previous doesn't. Shion is reborn.

Shion turns the tap until it's searing hot. Steam billows upwards, latent heat warming everything except that coldness in the palm of his hand.

The next birthday comes with a thunderstorm. It's bittersweet to say the least.

Shion screams out into the wind because he wants to be carried away. He screams until his voice collapses and then he keeps on going. _Make fun of me now, why don't you?_

Shion screams until all that comes out is a high pitched hiss, and there's still so much he can't get out.

 _How, Nezumi?_ Shion pleads. _How do I do this? Help me._

The voice at the back of his mind clicks its tongue. It catches him off guard because it sounds _just like Nezumi_.

 _No matter what happens, no matter how devastated you are, the world will not stop. You have two choices, move on or don't. Both will be excruciating so pick your poison. But if you want to be my equal, know that I would not let it rob me of my life. I know you're better than that._

 _You don't know that. You let your bias of no. 6 cloud your judgement of me._ Shion's response sting with annoyance.

 _That's true,_ Nezumi's voice concedes, but it's followed by a challenge. _So show me who you really are._

Shion sleeps on those words, and wakes up with an answer on his lips. _I want to become someone you would have been proud of._

He approaches Nezumi's grave again and again, Shion succeeds on his fourth try. He places a hand on the headstone. It feels smooth and cool under his fingers. It's insignificant to anyone watching, there's no overwhelming catharsis, only a simple gesture. But he feels just a trickle of sadness flow out from his fingertips, into the stone, into the earth. A hint of a smile plays on his lips.

 _Forever my grounding instrument, Nezumi_.

For the first time in a very very long while, Shion can breathe.

No. 6 is meant to be rebuilt by the restructural committee. Shion joins in honour of his new purpose. _I will take this former monstrosity and make sure it never becomes what it did again._

He takes on the title of a workaholic because he knows there are worse things he could be. Shion finds strength in knowing his life is really worth two, and to throw it away would be a waste and an insult. Though some days, this is the only rationalization he can abide by to keep going.

 _But when my life has run its course and night falls for the very last time, Nezumi will be waiting in the quiet space between wake and sleep._ _Waiting to provoke and dazzle, to run hot and cold with his clear eyes and his sharp wit._ And Shion will greet him with a kiss; not for goodnight, not for farewell ( _never for farewell, never ever ever_ ) but for reunion.

Shion swears on everything he has ever known, that this reunion will be their last, and he will _never_ part with Nezumi again.

Until then, he waits.

* * *

Shion has a reoccurring dream, and he thinks it's a premonition.

Nezumi stands on a steel frame, the abandoned ruins of a long forgotten building, reciting a monologue to Shion, and Shion alone.

The night air is crisp, Nezumi moves with effortless grace, and everything is crystal clear.

 _This is what forever must be._

Shion looks up at the boy who becomes and remains, the center of his life, his death and everything in between.

 _See you soon._


End file.
